The Auto Industry Wants to Have Sex with You

The Auto Industry Wants to Have Sex with You

I went to the North American Auto Show tonight. It was awesome. It had all of those concepts and hot “previews” that you always see featured on CNN. Plus, checking out the displays and the “show quality” was equally as fun — touch-screens and immersive presentations and modern furniture and hands-on simulators. It was kid-in-a-candy-shop stuff for design and technology, even for someone like me who’s only minimally into cars and probably only because I’m a heterosexual male and it’s in my DNA.

Guess what I learned? People in the auto industry are not dummies, in spite of their recent problems — they know that it’s primarily dudes who like cars and they know that dudes who like cars tend to like women, too.

Listen, I’m about to get a little sexist, but please trust that it’s in the spirit of the show. Nobody’s mistaking me for Sylvester Stallone or even Russell Brand. But I do have a penis and testicles, and they do get tingly when I see a pretty woman standing next to a shiny car with, ahem, sexy curves. I’m human. Sue me.

I’ve been to plenty of trade shows. I get it. Men are dumb, weak creatures. But what happens in Detroit every January is not crass. It is art. Truly, the idea is not just to envision yourself in the car, but to envision yourself ejaculating into a beautiful woman in the car.

Every company had their own carefully crafted “message” in their choice of spokesmodels, but they each ultimately said that same thing: If you like this car behind me, I will have sex with you.

Now that we’re clear, here’s how each of them would have sex with you:

Ford - My break’s in 45 minutes. Meet me behind the Pepsi machines.

Chevy - OK, but a video of it better not end up online.

Chrysler/Dodge - Honey, you can’t handle this goodness.

Hyundai - My roommate will be home soon so you can’t spend the night.

VW - Let’s take some pills and dance and twirl and let the music lead us where we need to go.

Volvo - You’ve got protection, right?

Honda - OK, just don’t tell my husband.

Subaru - Just say that you love me. Even if you don’t mean it.

Cadillac - A pair of Tiffany earrings in my champagne flute? You shouldn’t have!

Fiat - You’re not going to call me, are you?

Maserati - I will be the best, most passionate lover you’ve ever had — worth every penny you will lose in the paternity suit.

Kia and Scion - OMG we’re gonna do it LOL!

Tesla - Yeah I’m a dude. So what? Don’t knock until you try it!

Coda - Let’s take a blanket and a joint down under the pier.

Mercedes - I look better than I fuck.

BMW - I fuck better than I look.

Lexus - Like what you see? Put a ring on it.

Toyota - We sell Priuses, not sex.